Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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