Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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