You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
