Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
