My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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