Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This is my gift to your gina
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
