I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
