yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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