It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
