I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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