Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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