This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
