my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
