I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
