This is not my ceiling
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
