the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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