I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
