I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
