She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
