watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
