just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found the puke drawer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
