youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
