Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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