I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
