Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
