So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
