I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
