My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
