Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just invented taco cereal.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
