mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
