i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
