Are we in a gay sports bar?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
