Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
