Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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