my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
