well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
