either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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