I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
