I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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