i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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