I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
