cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
