Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
