so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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