It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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