I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
