his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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