You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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