Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
