Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How does it feel to date your dad?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
